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1961 - 1980 of 1999 Posts

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Discussion Starter · #1,962 ·
Doctor walks in the room and tells the new mother that there is bad news.
" Your baby has no arms."
Mom says, "That's awful. But, it's still my baby and I love him."
Doctor says, "Well, actually he also has no legs."
Mom, "OMG. That's terrible. But he's my baby and I love him."
Doctor, "Well, it's worse than that. You baby has no body."
Mom says, "I don't understand."
So the doctor rolls her in the next room and lying in a crib is a great
big eyeball.
Mom says, "What could be worse that this?"
The doctor says, "He's blind."



least he won't be spending time in the ICU!
 

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Discussion Starter · #1,963 ·
Back in the Old West, there were two scoundrels known for being dumber than a box of rocks, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sarsaparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Native American head under his arm.

The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians; last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground." He then says, "If any man brings me an Indian’s prized horse, I'll give him $1000."

The two men looked at each other, walked out of their bar and mounted their horses. It wasn’t long before they saw a Native American, so they caught up to him and pushed him off his horse.

He fell into a ravine, but the loyal horse followed him right down there. The two scoundrels scrambled to follow it down to the bottom to try and catch it. Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, look at this!" Dave replied, "Not now – can’t you see I’m trying to catch a prized horse!?”

Jeff shouted again, breathlessly: "I really think you should look at this." “Why don’t you help me try and make $1000 instead of goofing off?” But Jeff was adamant. "Please, just take a darn look!” So Dave stopped running, looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand Native Americans – and their horses. Dave shook his head and said, "Oh . . . my . . . God . . . we're going to be millionaires!"
 

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Discussion Starter · #1,964 ·
New Math

The owner of a golf course in Tennessee was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from The University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
 

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Discussion Starter · #1,965 ·
Just saw a book titled


"How To Solve 50% Of Your Problems "

So I bought 2.
 

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Discussion Starter · #1,966 ·
When Chuck Norris attends a feminist rally

He comes back with his shirt
washed and a sandwich.


AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE N
 

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Discussion Starter · #1,967 ·
People who confuse burro and burrow,

don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.
 

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Discussion Starter · #1,968 ·
Arguing with your wife…

is like reading a software licensing agreement.

In the end you just ignore everything and click “I agree”.
 
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Discussion Starter · #1,969 ·
Many years ago there were two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, who inherited the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly... com-for-da-bull."
 

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Discussion Starter · #1,970 ·
An employee who had a terrible history for taking time off phoned in again one Monday morning: "I'm sorry, but I'll not be able to come in today as I'm too sick."

On hearing this his exasperated boss could barely conceal his anger and retorted in a rage: "well, just how sick are you?"

"Well" the employee sighed, "I'm in bed with my sister!"
 

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Discussion Starter · #1,971 ·
Recent study says that for every white child that drowns, 5 1/2 black children drown.
What I want to know is how do you drown 1/2 a kid?
 

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Discussion Starter · #1,972 ·
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel
stuck to his forehead. The bartender says, "What's up with the paper towel?"
The pirate says, "Arrrrr...............................there's a Bounty on me head."
 

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Discussion Starter · #1,973 ·
My wife has been missing for a week and the police told me to prepare for the worst.

So I went to Goodwill and got all her clothes back
 

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Discussion Starter · #1,974 ·
I had to take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector last night.

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
 

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Discussion Starter · #1,975 ·
Hi John,
This is Alan next door. I am sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you.
I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.
The Actions:
John, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, stomped next door and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he had a subsequent message from his neighbor.
The Second Message:
Hi John,
This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed that my smart phone’s Autocorrect feature changed “Wi-Fi” to "Wife”. Technology eh?? Hope you got a chuckle from that.
Regards, Alan.
 

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Oops…. Sorry
 
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Discussion Starter · #1,977 ·
A mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Pete in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found??

"Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Tim McDurmt in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Come now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. 'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "There now Pete, you see? I told you there must be a simple explanation!

"Well, WHAT is it?" Fumed Pete.

"She never got your E-mail!"
 
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Discussion Starter · #1,978 ·
Joe Biden had a meeting with the cabinet today

He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the desk.
 
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Discussion Starter · #1,979 ·
Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.
The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory
On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'
So Judy recently e-mailed Congressman Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle. Harry Reid:
Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:
"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
NOW THAT's how it's done, Folks! That's real POLITICAL SPIN
 

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Discussion Starter · #1,980 ·
Well, July 4 has come and gone for another year.

And we all know what that means: The Memorial Day furniture and bedding sales are finally over.
 
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