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Discussion Starter · #1,942 ·
Drunken Murphy Hails a Cab......the cabby stops

and Murphy leans in the open passenger side window as the cabby asks where he wants to go...

" I wanna go home.....hey do you got room for a large Pizza with everything and two six-packs?"

" yeah buddy, no problem"

Murphy threw up all over the passenger seat....
 

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Two Indians and a Hillbilly...
were walking in the woods. All of a sudden, one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what? " No, " said the Indian. "
It is our custom during mating season. When Indian men see cave, they holler, " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate. "
Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " Immediately, there was an answering " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, " Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave! " He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, " WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! " With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read..... " NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN ".

Two Indians and a Hillbilly...
were walking in the woods. All of a sudden, one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what? " No, " said the Indian. "
It is our custom during mating season. When Indian men see cave, they holler, " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate. "
Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " Immediately, there was an answering " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, " Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave! " He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, " WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! " With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read..... " NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN ".

forgive me for taking the minute you'll never get back.
 

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Discussion Starter · #1,944 ·
Man is incomplete until he is married.

Then he is finished.
 

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Discussion Starter · #1,945 ·
There is an opening for a secretarial position. The man conducting the interviews asks each candidate the same question.

"What would you do if you found $100 lying on the floor in the office?"

The first one says "I would post a sign saying that some money had been found, and try to find person who lost it."

The second one says "I would lock up the money up in my desk, and if no one claims that they have lost any money, I would keep it."

The third one says "I would turn it over to the building security."

Which woman got the job?

The one with the big tits.
 

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Discussion Starter · #1,946 ·
 

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Discussion Starter · #1,947 ·
Beer Bottle: “You break me, you get one year of bad luck!”
Mirror: “You kiddin’ me? You break me, then y’all get seven years of bad luck!”
Condom: “Hahaha… (Condom walks off laughing)
 

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Discussion Starter · #1,948 ·
What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?

A woman that won't do what she's told.
 

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Discussion Starter · #1,949 ·
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Saturday 6-5-21 of a severe yeast infection He was 71.

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and... one in the oven.
 

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Discussion Starter · #1,950 ·
I'd tell you a Covid joke, but...

...there's 99.7% chance you wouldn't get it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #1,951 ·
Her: "I love you loads, Honeypie."


Me: "And I love you tons."
Her: "What, no nickname for me?"
Sometimes I swear she's going deaf.
 

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Discussion Starter · #1,952 ·
I was working late at the

Cellphone Warehouse last night when I received this text from my wife:
"Honey,thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphone.Whenyougethomepleasegivemeanalternative."
And as I eagerly rushed home, I couldn't help but wonder...what the hell does "ternative" mean?
 

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Discussion Starter · #1,953 ·
My ex-wife was deaf and she left me for a deaf friend of hers.
To be honest, I should have seen the signs.
 
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Discussion Starter · #1,954 ·
hostess.jpg
 

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Discussion Starter · #1,955 ·
My father was a conjoined twin. We called his brother my uncle on my father's side. Until the operation..................now he's my uncle once removed.
 
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Discussion Starter · #1,957 ·
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
"I should be in charge", said the brain, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge", said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away".

"I should be in charge", said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy".

"I should be in charge", said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal".

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.

Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?
You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.
 

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Discussion Starter · #1,958 ·
What's the difference between Jeffrey Epstein and the Democratic party?

Epstein didn't hang himself.
 
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Discussion Starter · #1,959 ·
A first-grade teacher was < Jst4Lghs > 2021-06-14 09:11

having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Little Johnny what is your problem?"

Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had had enough.

She took Little Johnny to the principal's office.

While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

The teacher agreed.

Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Little Johnny: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Little Johnny: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Little Johnny can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Little Johnny both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Little Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Little Johnny replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Little Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Little Johnny: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Little Johnny was taking charge.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Little Johnny: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Little Johnny: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Little Johnny: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Little Johnny: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Little Johnny: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Little Johnny: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Little Johnny: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?
Little Johnny: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Little Johnny in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."
 

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Discussion Starter · #1,960 ·
Doctor: "Take this medicine with food."

African kid: ( cries )
 
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