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Just someone I have to put up with every now and then---

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Discussion Starter · #1,922 ·
The 5 secrets to a man's happiness...........

#1 Find a women that can make you laugh.
#2 Find a women that can cook.
#3 Find a women that really listens to you.
#4 Find a women that is fantastic in bed.
#5 And this is the most important:
Make sure these 4 women do not find about each other!
 

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Discussion Starter · #1,925 ·
my life.....

my wife , "I'm going to have a baby!"

me, "How wonderful, I'm going to be a father!"

my wife, "That's not what I said, but okay....."
 

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Discussion Starter · #1,928 ·
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?"

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home and spotted the young woman standing waist-deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly towards her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde struggled with the gator. Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration........

"CRAP!! THIS ONE IS BAREFOOT TOO!!!"
 

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Discussion Starter · #1,929 ·
A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate at all . The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried. The husband said, 'I'm not sure. Maybe she choked'.
 

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Discussion Starter · #1,930 ·
I was talking to a girl in a bar last night and she said, "Hey, let's exchange numbers."

I said, "Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?"
 

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Discussion Starter · #1,931 ·
"Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lot of sugary and greasy foods?"

"No, sir! I carefully watch my diet and caloric intake, and I'm sure to eat plenty of vegetables."

"Do you go to parties? Stay up late? Are you sexually promiscuous?"

"Not at all! Early to bed and early to rise! And abstinence is key."

The doctor raises an eyebrow at the man. "So... Why exactly do you want to live to be a hundred?"
 

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Medical Decision

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I'm glad to see you've regained consciousness. You probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it".
 
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming, and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch".
The man perks up.
"So", the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. You've been married for over thirty years, and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five- incher before and get a nine-incher now she might be a bit intimidated. If you had a nine-incher before, and you decide to only invest in a five-incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision".
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day and asks, "So, have you spoken with your wife"?
"Yes I have", says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision"?
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision"? asks the doctor.
 
"We're getting granite countertops."
 
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Discussion Starter · #1,933 ·
My uncle has diabetes and alzheimers.

I asked him where his feet were and he was stumped.
 

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Discussion Starter · #1,936 ·
kids today are so confused about their gender.
I never experienced that issue.
If she was hot, my gender revealed itself.
 

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Ha--- did a hear that open mic moment when biden was heard ask'in one of his ss guys who that hooker was that kept follow'in him around. :roflmao:

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This is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters...

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The broadcast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.....
 

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