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Discussion Starter · #2,641 ·
A police officer...
...knocked on my door earlier this afternoon saying he was looking for a man with one eye. I told him to use both of them and he'd probably find him a lot quicker.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,642 ·
A 21-year-old woman chose to stay overnight in a

costly hotel in Las Vegas as a treat for her 21st birthday. The morning following her stay, she was appalled when the desk worker gave her a bill for $250. She asked why the room charge was so high.

“It’s a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren’t worth $250 for just an overnight stay! I didn’t even have breakfast,” she told the worker.

The worker clarified that $250 is the standard rate. At that point, the lady insisted on talking with the manager. The manager arrived and explained, “Ma’am the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center, which are both available for use.”

“But I didn’t use them,” the woman said.

“Well, they are here and you could have,” he replied.

The manager proceeded to say that she could likewise have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from around the world performing here,” he said.

“But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she said.

The manager replied, “Well, we have them, and you could have.”

Regardless of the facility he recommended, the lady just answered, “But I didn’t use it!”

After several minutes of contending with him, she chose to pay.

The manager was shocked when she gave him the check. “But madam, this cheque is for only $50,” he said.

“That is right. I charged you $200 for sleeping with me,” she replied.

“But I didn’t!” the manager shouted.

“Well, too bad. I was here, and you could have.”
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,643 ·
I don't often get hammered but when I do . it shoren hell won't be a the pelosis' house!


to soon? 😁
 

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I wonder if the prosecutor will let Paul boom boom Pelosis attacker out of prison like they do others charged with attempted murder ?
 
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Discussion Starter · #2,648 ·
the man who attacked Paul Pelosi is in the U.S. illegally.
reality makes for the greatest jokes.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,649 ·
I may be old fashioned, but I prefer the old days
When the president and the village idiot were two different people.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,650 ·
A kid dressed all in red rang my doorbell...
and said, "Trick or Treat!"

I said to him, "dude Halloween was yesterday."

He replied "I know. I'm a period, I'm sorry I'm late, but better late than never, right?"

Little Ahole earned all of my leftover candy.
 

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the man who attacked Paul Pelosi is in the U.S. illegally.
reality makes for the greatest jokes.
He’s a Canadian, probably fleeing their leftist leader. The joke is on him.
 
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Discussion Starter · #2,652 ·
Walmart will...

...be closed on Thanksgiving so self-checkout cashiers can be with their families.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,653 ·
Last Saturday morning I got woken up
by my neighbor's lawn mower going at 7 o'clock. I had quite a bad hangover so I just decided screw him, he can cut around me
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,654 ·
A drunk man was out in a canoe on a morning after a bender, and lost both his paddles. he spied a gentleman, and two ladies in a boat nearby and called 'can i have one of your oars? the reply was ' these ain't 'oars, one me wife and one's me sister'.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,655 ·
An 85-year-old-couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife’s neurotic interest in health food.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite with a Jacuzzi. As they oohed and aahed, the old man asked Peter how much of this was going to cost.

“It’s free,” Peter replied, “Remember, this is Heaven.”

Next, they went out back to see the golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the greatest golf courses on Earth.

The old man asked, “What are the greens fees?”

“This is Heaven,” St. Peter replied. “You play for free.”

Next, they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. “How much to eat?” asked the old man.

“Don’t you understand yet?” St. Peter asked. “This is Heaven. It’s free!”

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” the old man asked timidly.

“That’s the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”

The old man scowled at his wife and said, “You and your damn bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!”
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,657 ·
Yesterday I saw a gorgeous woman

walking downtown wearing a t-shirt that said, "Follow Your Dreams". You probably know the rest of the story
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,660 ·
Jesus and moses were about to play a game of golf, and jesus, being a newcomer to heaven at the time, was going to have moses teach him about golf. so the first hole had a water hazard, and moses told jesus ' lay up to the water, then you can make the drive to the green'. well, jesus goes for the green, and ends up in the water hazard. moses, being a good sport, gives jesus a mulligan, parts the water, and gives jesus his ball and says, ' jesus, justlay up, then go for the green'. so jesus tees up, and goes for the green again, to which moses said, 'jesus jesus jesus, i told you how to play the hole. i been here longer than you, and i know this course. go get your own ball'. soooo, jesus is out, walking on the water hazard, reaching down, trying to find his ball. the next players came to the tee and said ' will you look at that guy out walking on the water, who does he think he is, jesus christ ?' moses replied ' no, arnold palmer.'
 
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