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Discussion Starter · #2,461 ·
A judge was interviewing a woman...

... regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar, your honor" she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he just can't communicate with me!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,462 ·
A little girl walks up to her father and asks: "Daddy....if you're black and mommy is Chinese, how come I look Mexican?" The father responds: "Honey after an orgy like that, you're lucky you don’t bark"
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,463 ·
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.
The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,465 ·
If Satan ever lost his hair,

There would be hell toupee.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,466 ·
A new German coast guard officer was appointed during WWII.

So, as he starts his new shift after a few brief instructions from his superior, he sits down when suddenly, over the radio, in a British accent, he hears:

‘Mayday! Mayday!’

‘Mayday!’

‘We’re sinking!’

The German officer presses the microphone speaker button hesitantly, and replies:

‘Uh….ha….halloo?’

‘Mayday! Mayday! We’re sinking! I repeat, we’re sinking!’ bursts the British voice.

‘Hallooo?’ replies the officer.

‘We are SINKING!!! SEND HELP!’ cries the British voice.

Hesitantly, and with much confusion, the German officer responds:

‘Uh….Vat are you sinking about?
 
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Discussion Starter · #2,467 ·
A man walked into a Walgreens...

... and asked where the tampons were.

Cashier: "Aisle 5."

Minutes later the man returned with a bag of cotton balls and some string.

Cashier: "I thought you were buying tampons."

Man: "I was, and then I got to thinking about something. The other day I asked my wife to pick me up some cigarettes while she was out, and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. Her reasoning was that it was just SOOO MUCH CHEAPER. So the way I figure it, if I have to roll my own, then so does she."
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,468 ·
When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,469 ·
Jan 6 incursion death toll rises

As people die of boredom watching the hearings.
 
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Discussion Starter · #2,471 ·
my wifes having twins! gonna name em roe and wade!
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,472 ·
Three women have just entered heaven, and are

standing in front of an angel, and St. Peter, to learn of the special privileges they’ll have living there.

St. Peter says to the women, “I only have one question. Have you lived a chaste life?”

The first woman answers, “I have only had sex with one man, my husband. And our first time was on our wedding night.”

St. Peter turns to the angel and says, “Ah, a woman who has lived as God intended, and certainly deserving of reward. Give her a key to the golden room.”

The second woman says, “I have never known a man’s touch. I was a nun, and stayed in the sisterhood since I was only a young lass.”

St. Peter turns to the angel and says, “Truly exceptional, a woman who has gone above and beyond in service of God. Give her a key to the platinum room!”

The third woman says, “I had sex with 239 dudes: 67 before I met my husband, 35 while we were dating, 12 while we were engaged, 78 while we were married and 46 after he died.”

St. Peter stands stunned for a second, then leans over to the angel and whispers, “Give her a key to my room.”
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,474 ·
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
 
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Discussion Starter · #2,475 ·
A hobo knocked on a teacher's door...

And asked the lady for something to eat or some money to buy a meal.
"Yes, of course," she said, and motioned to him to follow her around to the backyard.
"See that stack of firewood over there?" she asked.
"I seen it," said the hobo.
Not missing an opportunity to correct the hobo's English,she said, "You mean you saw it."
The hobo replied, "Lady, I seen it, but I sure ain't gonna saw it."
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,476 ·
Why doesn’t Garth Brooks shop at Home Depot?

Because he has friends in Lowe’s places.
 
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Discussion Starter · #2,477 ·
What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather – Kinky is using the whole chicken.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,478 ·
Joe and Jill Biden are in a restaurant...

The waiter comes over and asks Jill Biden,
"What will you have?"

She says, "I'll have the Salmon."

The waiter says, "and the vegetable?"
She replies "oh, he'll have the same."
 
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Discussion Starter · #2,479 ·
After 20 years of marriage

a husband and wife go to counseling. When asked what the problem is, the wife breaks into a passionate tirade of every problem they've ever had.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist gets up, walks over to the wife, makes her stand up and kisses her very hard. The woman shuts up and quietly sits down.

The therapist says to the husband, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

After a moment the husband replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish.
 
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Discussion Starter · #2,480 ·
A man comes home from working at a pickle factory and he seems troubled. His wife asks him what's wrong and the man says, "Oh, nothing. I just... well... recently I've had an uncontrollable urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer."

His wife nearly faints, then she blurts out: "Why? You need to go see someone. I'm going to make an appointment with a therapist or someone tomorrow."

The man protests, "No, no. It's fine. Really. I'm not going to do it."

Everything is fine for a few weeks, but then the man comes home early from work and he's pale as a ghost. His wife inquires, "What's the matter? You look terrible!"

The husband tells her, "Well, remember when I said I wanted to put my penis in the pickle slicer?"

The wife gasps, "You did? What happened?"

The man starts to cry. "I got fired!"

"I don't care about that! Are you okay? What happened with the pickle slicer?"

The man sobs, "She got fired, too."
 
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