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Discussion Starter · #2,081 ·
The world in 50 Years

“Children from Two-parent, Married, Heterosexual Families Bullied in San Francisco Schools for Being 'Different'”

“A White Girl in Manchester, England School Expelled for Not Wearing a Burqa.”

“Ten of New York’s Elite Universities This Year Have Won Awards for Introducing Classes on the Subject of ‘Political Correctness.’ President Abdul bin Mahammed- Goldman of ACLU Says There is Still a Long Way to Go in the Fight to Stop People from Saying What They Want to Say.”

“America’s Deficit Hit $50 Trillion But President Jose Manuel Rodriguez-Carter is Confident That America Will Finally Have a Surplus in less Than 200 Years, 300 Years Sooner Than Predicted Earlier.”

“France Pleads for Global Help Following the Country’s Being Taken Over by Libya.”

“U.S. Postal Services Raises Price of the Cheapest Postage Stamp to $28 and Reduces Mail Delivery from Once Every Two Weeks to Once Every Four Weeks.”

“After a Ten-year, $15.8 Billion Study Commissioned by the Democratic Party, Scientists Had a Surprise Finding that Diet and Exercise Are the Key to Weight Loss.”

“GREAT NEWS - Average Weight of an American Male Drops to 415 lbs.”

“The Supreme Court Rules that Punishment of Criminals Violates Their Civil Rights. From Now on, for Fairness, Victims Will Also Be Held Partially Responsible for All Crimes.”

New American Law Requires that not Only guns but Also Nail Clippers, Screwdrivers, Fly Swatters, Hair Dryers and Rolled-up Newspapers Must be Registered as Lethal Weapons.”

“Under Pressure from the Public Over the Last Three Decades, IRS Finally Reduced the Lowest Tax Rate From 96% to 75% per cent.” (Time to Celebrate!)”
 

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My little 6 year old niece “smished” her finger this morning in a door. When I asked her which finger it was she showed me this. I kept asking her to show me which finger it was all morning until her Nana gave me the stink eye when I asked her at lunch with company from church.

The innocence of youth.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,083 ·
Came home to a note on the fridge

From my girlfriend

It just said "This isn't working"

I have no idea what she means by that

I looked it over, the fridge works just fine!!

might be time to dump her.
 
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My little 6 year old niece “smished” her finger this morning in a door. When I asked her which finger it was she showed me this. I kept asking her to show me which finger it was all morning until her Nana gave me the stink eye when I asked her at lunch with company from church.

The innocence of youth.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
My niece now a med student at USC was little she always pointed with her middle finger. When we would visit I would always ask her ton” point “ things out. It was quite an ordeal for her parents to get her to change before going into school.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,086 ·
The sign in the men's room

said "Employees must wash hands." But I couldn't find an employee and had to do it myself.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,087 ·
Alabama beat Arkansas and
Arkansas fired their coach.

Alabama beat Tennessee and
Tennessee fired their coach.

Alabama beat Auburn and
Auburn fired their coach.

Inquiring minds want to know:
How do we get the White House
to play Alabama?
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,088 ·
Gentlemen get yourself an unvaccinated girl.

You ain't got to take her out
and she's not allowed in the clubs.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,089 ·
An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut,

but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his
cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells
the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the
cleanest shave he's had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had
swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied,"Just bring it back in a couple of days
like everyone else does".
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,090 ·
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,091 ·
Dog Dog breed Plant Carnivore Hat
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,092 ·
A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for five years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the great cathedral.”

Mary thanks him, and after chatting a little longer, they part ways.

Five years later, the priest is eating dinner when there’s a knock at his door. He opens it, and to his surprise, it’s Mary.

“I’m so glad I found you!” She exclaims. “Remember that candle you lit for me, years ago? Well, my husband and I now have a set of twins and a set of triplets — and I just found out I’m pregnant again!”

She then hands the priest an all-expenses paid ticket to Rome.

“Oh Mary!” Says the priest. “Your joy is my joy. You didn’t need to give me a thank-you gift.”

“Oh no, it’s not a thank you,” says Mary. “It’s so you can blow out that damn candle.”
 
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Discussion Starter · #2,093 ·
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest for suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,094 ·
When a game warden says he found a doe He means

a female deer, not an unidentified dead body.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,095 ·

"Give it to me now, I'm so wet " she yelled.


She could scream all she wanted,

I'm keeping the umbrella.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,096 ·
How do you fix a broken pumpkin?

With a pumpkin patch.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,097 ·
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"
 
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Discussion Starter · #2,098 ·
I went to a restaurant & the menu had "Gasless" Bean Soup.
I never heard of such a thing so I asked the waitress how they did that, and she said,
"Easy! We use exactly 239 beans, because one more is 'Too Farty!'"
 
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Discussion Starter · #2,099 ·
Sone times you have to listen....

There is a factory that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory, and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor, and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
 
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My little 6 year old niece “smished” her finger this morning in a door. When I asked her which finger it was she showed me this. I kept asking her to show me which finger it was all morning until her Nana gave me the stink eye when I asked her at lunch with company from church.

The innocence of youth.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
She'll get even with you for this.
 
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