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Discussion Starter · #2,061 ·
I keep forgettting to refill my Alzheimers meds.
 
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Discussion Starter · #2,062 ·
hello taliban

we are trying to contact you about the extended warranty on your humvee
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,063 ·
Dog Dog breed Carnivore Fawn Companion dog
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,064 ·
She got her nipple pierced on our first date.

Also, I suck at darts.
 
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Discussion Starter · #2,065 ·
A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student.

At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question:

‘You’re walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?’

‘The gold.’

‘Unfortunately, I don’t agree. I’d choose cleverness because that’s more important than money.’

‘Everyone would choose what they don’t have,’ says the student.

The teacher turns red, and he’s so angry he writes “ass” on the student’s paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says:

‘Excuse me sir, you signed my paper, but you forgot to give me my grade!’
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,066 ·
beware the electric fart!
it's got a lil juice.


I asked the electrician if he's scared of working with live wires. He said it doesn't phase him.
He knows how to conduct himself.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,067 ·
A fireman comes home from work one day and tells his wife, "We have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets; Bell 2 rings, we slide down the pole; Bell 3 rings, we're on the trucks.

From now on, we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to make passionate love."

The next night, the fireman comes home from work and yells, "Bell 1!" His wife takes off her clothes. "Bell 2," and his wife jumps into bed. "Bell 3," and they began to make love.

After two minutes, his wife yells, "Bell 4!" "What's Bell 4?" the husband asks. "More hose," she replies, "you're nowhere near the fire!"
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,068 ·
How do you know when a woman is going to say something smart.
When she starts her sentence with
"A man once told me ...
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,070 ·
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
***
A guy is on his first date with a blonde woman. He asks her a favor, "Stick your head out the window and see if my rear blinker is working on your side."
She rolls down the window, hangs her head out, looks back, and says, "no...YES...no...YES...no...YES."
***
Three pregnant women, a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde, are in the waiting room of their OB/GYN.
The redhead says, "I was on top so I think I'm having a girl."
Brunette says, "Well, I was on bottom so I guess that means I'm having a boy" and giggles.
The blonde starts crying.
"What's wrong?" the other two ask.
She answers, "I'm gonna have puppies!"
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,071 ·
There's English, and then there's English

An aussie man calls emergency services while camping with his wife

Operator: "Emergency services how may we help you mate"

Man: "Please help! me sheila got bitten in her minge by a mozzie and its all swollen and now we can't have sex!"

Operator: "Oh bummer mate..."

Man: "Oh thanks mate never thought of that!" *Hangs up
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,072 ·
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,073 ·
I just went through debt consolidation.

Now I only have one bill I can't pay.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,074 ·
At the Barber Shop

The guys at the barber shop asked me what actress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told them the one who knows how to fix elevators.

I’m old, tired, and need to pee fairly often.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,075 ·
Recently my girlfriend asked me if i was having sex behind her back. I replied ," Yes, who did you think it was !
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,076 ·
I have a bumper sticker that says "honk if you think I'm sexy"

Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself.
 

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Three blonds were fishing on a river and a game warden came up to them and told them that there is no fishing allowed in the river now. They told him that they were only fishing with magnets and so he ask them to bring in there lines and show them. So they bring in the lines and show him that they sure enough only had magnets on the lines so he let them continue and went on his way. After they were gone they started to snicker and laugh. One of them finally said he does not know that there steelhead in the river.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2,078 ·
"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."
I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014 at 10:37 am.
 
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